It will be tempting to engage when people are at their worst. It will be easy to sacrifice all the dignity and composure you’ve built up in your wiser middle years. People will test you, probe for the weak chinks in your fence. They don’t mean to, it comes from deep inside them, a need to connect but a defiance to compromise. In that way, it’s easier to drag someone down to your level, to make you feel small, than to stretch their own potential upwards. ‘Come to me, so I don’t have to climb to you.’ Be cautious around those who shout about their position and status, convincing others they are further along the path then they are. It’s often easier to assure yourself to stay the course, than to think one level up, to break a stubborn pattern, to communicate with precision, to accept nuisance. In short, change involves ordering, and that takes work.
When those around you are taking the easy route, the one of chaos and carelessness, whether with your feelings, with their own reckless language, with their own lack of conscientiousness, with all the stubborn resolve of a shuddering beast – it is important that you take this moment as your opportunity to stop the clock, slow your reaction, and see it for what it is. A moment for choice. As you look down the ledge at the clamoring of others to join the status quo, remember to listen but not to lose your foothold as you lean in. When others are at their worst, speaking with their nerves instead of their values, realize first and foremost the suffering, frustration and ineptitude they are trying to express. Also know this is not their ‘whole’ self being expressed, and it could be your job to flush out the real message. As a human of virtue, be the one who thinks more clearly, orders oneself in every interaction. Hold oneself with integrity and grace, and you will find every interaction in your life as the opportunity to uplift others.
Recall briefly that it is not fully your responsibility to bridge their inabilities. You see this in business and sports teams, and you see this in social circles. When you play to someone else’s level, rarely do you show your virtue or demonstrate your full potential. Rather take these moments to show a simple courtesy before you move on. Show them the human compassion they deserve, share briefly their frustration, understand their desire to lash out and take others with them. Compartmentalize this reflection, for it is a private prayer for only your intuitive mind to hear. Then whisper quietly, finding the word ‘forgiveness’ in your mind’s eye before you decide to engage or move on.
But take care in what you do next, oftentimes it’s only an attempt to lure you into their web of ugly limited beliefs. This is their chance to gain legion in cynicism, to belittle your position in favor of challenging their own, to bring false agency over their carelessly laid plans, to convince you to try less and expect more. To add value to the valueless, is not your domain, cast this off! See this tripwire before you change your footing, and decide, without contempt or judgment, whether this is worth the sacrifice of your composure. Engage with empathy, reset for a common ground, use the chance to nudge them to a more authentic and thoughtful conversation, role model the type of self-esteem you expect to see in others. And in the worst cases, with the real bullies in life, those that need to be reminded of their manners, feel assured enough to call them out with a cold hard glare and demand they return to a state of human respect.
Again, beware of using this approach, and choose these moments wisely, as it is often part of the lure to bring you down from your ledge. If by liberally showcasing your moral high ground, you continue to lose your footing, you will only become the charlatan. If you can dole out a deliberate call for mutual kindness, without losing your own footing, warmly beaconing others to the side of light, only then will you be the human that belongs on this enlightened path. And the ledge you climb will no longer serve as your boasting podium where you shout down the mountain with your false pride. But rather, it will be the lookout waypoint where you regroup and reset before ascending into the clearest, brightest horizons of your aspiring life.
Paul Carreo 